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Friday, 30 March 2012

Summer Etiquette

It’s March and summer is here already. Thanks Global Warming, you’re alright. But whilst we can all agree that the melting polar ice caps and gaping holes in the ozone layer have turned out to be hugely beneficial to mankind, there are still some things about summer that totally suck. For the benefit of everyone in the world, please abide by the following rules this summer.

Shirts on, fellas. Ok the sun is out but please for the fucking love of Lydia, keep your fucking shirt on. There seems to have been a grotesque cultural shift over the last few years that has made it acceptable to not wear a shirt in public as soon as the smallest possible ray of sunlight hits your body. THIS IS NOT OK. AT ALL. No-one in town wants to see your pasty white chest, spotty back and tribal sleeve. NO-ONE. Don't get me wrong, there are times when it’s ok not to wear a shirt. If you’re on the beach, it’s ok. If you’re in your own home, it’s ok. But if you and your teenage girlfriend are pushing ‘Tarquin’ around town, smoking fags and drinking booze, It’s not ok. Not at all. Put your fucking shirt back on you fucking disgusting drain on society. Fuck you.

Don’t join in. Sunshine seems to bring out the loudest, cuntiest side of people and makes them want to do loud, cunty things and join other loud cunts in doing loud and cunty things. I’m a Smith and I am proud to say that I take after my Father in almost every way. I’m going bald, I waste my money on records, I drink too much, I smile too little and I DON’T join in. FUCK. JOINING. IN.

‘Let’s all go to the clock tower at 12 dressed as pandas and dance to Glee songs!!’

‘I’ve started a Facebook group to get everyone to dress up as a zombie and meet outside the library at 3 for a giant water fight!’

‘Let’s all go and have a Frisbee tournament on the beach!’

What?! How about no? How about you DON’T do these retarded things?! Life is not like High School the Musical where you make friends with strangers by getting up to high-jinx with them in the sunshine. Don’t live each day like it’s your last, don’t ‘dance like no-one’s watching’ and don't join in you fucking mouth breather. Fuck you.

Shun Hippies. Unfortunately summer is the main breeding time for hippies and society needs to act as one if we are finally to be rid of these abhorrent, hemp smelling cunts. Picture the scene, you’re on the beach reading a book with a cold bottle of Brooklyn by your side. Heaven right? But… what’s that noise? That’s weird… sort of sounds like someone’s playing bongos…? That’s really strange… It’s not the 60’s and you’re not in San Francisco…. That’s so weird… Anyway, I’ll just get on with my book… Wait, what’s that now?? Sort of sounds like someone is playing Bob Dylan covers on a guitar but... who would bring a guitar to the beach?! Eurgh. Hippies. Your quiet day in the sun is ruined. You try to move further down the beach but everywhere you go you run into more of them. Longboarding, juggling, playing with Poi and Diablos, Hula-hoops and Frisbees, smoking weed and giggling like cretins and BBQ-ing their Linda McCartney sausages whilst drinking cider made from nettles. Hippies are a grotesque half breed of people. Too lazy to be human, too human to be plankton. They are foul and they need to be stopped. If you are not a hippie; be sure not to make friends with one. If you ARE a hippy; fuck you. Kill yourself.

Don’t Litter. It’s 2012, who the fuck still litters for fucks sake? We all love a BBQ and some beers on the beach, it’s one of the best bits about the summer. But when you go home at the end of the day, TAKE YOUR FUCKING RUBBISH WITH YOU. I don’t care that birds or fish could get trapped in tins or bags and die (trust me, I could not give less of a shit about the plight of British wildlife) It’s about having respect for the town you live in. Yeah, you’re done for the day but tomorrow someone else is going to want to sit in the same place as you and they shouldn’t have to wade through empty tins of Strongbow because you and your cunt friends are too fucking lazy to walk to a bin. Fuck you.

That’s it. Easy. Follow the rules and we’ll all ‘get along just fine, man’

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